This blog post is personal. It’s about my own relationship with being single. Oh, and almost forty. This status is not looked at as ideal in our society. Nobody congratulates you on having maintained this status so successfully for all these years. I’m sure many of you who are single out there have let some of the negative connotations of singledom affect you and your self-esteem. But as if it isn’t enough punishment that you are alone when you want to share your life with someone, you also pile on “society’s” shame, disappointment and finger-pointing at you for being defective, rebellious or selfish. Somehow you have failed at reaching one of society’s fundamental milestones, and if you’re not asking why me, you’re probably still asking why?
In recent years I have had a gradual paradigm shift. Do you remember the first time you read the words “paradigm shift” and had only a vague idea of what they meant? It’s only when you experience one that you fully understand the impact. It’s like a renovation in your brain. One day you realise the furniture has been rearranged and it looks so much better!
I have had two major shifts in perspective that have helped me feel freer, happier, lighter and more accepting:
- Feeling sorry for myself is not helping
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Going around feeling sorry for yourself because your life didn’t turn out the way you expected on the relationship front, you should have been married by now, you should have had kids by now, he/she never should have left you, life isn’t fair…isn’t helping you and is actually fuelling your belief that other people feel sorry for you! Once you realise that how you feel about yourself and how you think about yourself is perpetuating your own cycle of inadequacy and unhappiness you are one step closer to shifting your pattern of victimhood. Because feeling sorry for yourself is being a victim, saying this has happened to me.
What I have found is that just as there is a part of us single people that envies people in relationships, people in relationships also have a part of them that envies our freedom and choice, and the knowledge that anything is possible.
- Being single is a privilege not a punishment
Have you ever looked at being single as a life sentence? Wondering what you possibly did to deserve it? But what if these circumstances were actually a privilege, a gift granted to you so that you can delve into and discover yourself and your deepest desires. Being a partner and/or a parent doesn’t often leave time to dedicate to study, exploration and self-discovery, which means that many people start this journey later in life when they have less family obligations. I consider it a privilege to be able to move forward and grow now. What if you could see this time as an opportunity to really master a skill, a profession, a way of being?
I recently had an “aha” moment when someone asked me if I was single by choice. My response was fast and furious: No!
But then later, this exchange popped into my head again and I realised that actually, yes, I am single by choice. And this choice is reflected in the way I honour myself by not staying in a relationship that I know is not right for me. Sometimes the honouring outcome comes in a roundabout way, if I’m not strong enough to make the honouring decision myself!
These days I further honour myself by not starting a relationship that I already know is not right for me. When we find ourselves bored, lonely or in need of physical affection, not starting a relationship that we know isn’t right can be even harder than ending one.
I’m not saying it’s easy, but just like the energy we put into eating right, exercising, taking care of ourselves and doing things that give us joy pays off bigtime, so too does honouring your highest intention to yourself when it comes to creating a loving and fulfilling relationship in your life.
If you would like a hypnotherapy session to help you re-arrange the furniture upstairs and change your outlook, come and see an expert in the field of being single! Call me on 0416844932 or email me at Rebecca@clearhypnotherapy.com.au